36 Days Post Resolve

Well it's day 36 and other then the fact that I ran out of vitamins and am totally exhausted, I'm doing good...I went in for my follow up pap on friday and the Dr. said my cervix looked good, she did not see any white spots and there was only one red spot that she figured was from the biopsy....so that's good news, at least one strand is clearing...I don't have much itching down there anymore, on occasion, but I do have some warts, still using the compound W....I think I've realized that I'm just not attractive for guys or something...they don't want to date me, they just want to have sex with me....I haven't felt very attractive and although I've lost 7 pounds recently and still working on losing more, I just don't feel like guys like me...oh well. I moved this weekend, cut my hair, so I feel like I'm turing over a new leaf....hey did I mention about that guy who basically said I was fat? well he texts me out of the blue and asks if I wanted to have sex with him...like wtf? why do you want to have sex with me, you're not even attracted to me? what a typical guy response.....he was like do you want to have sex or not, and I was like no! not because of the viruses but by moral standard he's a jack ass and I don't have time for that, even if I haven't had sex in 8 1/2 months.....I'd rather be celebate then get addicted, hurt and left when he moves out of the state.... guys are douches........anyway, I feel empowered that I said no.....I'm standing my ground....and although I may end up a crotchedy cat lady...at least I didn't let guys take advantage of me anymore...one day I'll be in control of my health and be able to have realtionships again......until then, I've been having this pain in my left breast, I wouldn't say there is a lump but there is some breast tissue directly related to the pain...my dr. is keeping an eye on it...pray it's not cancer...I'm only 24, that's the last thing I need right now

31 Days Post Resolve

Well it's officially been a month since I ended the detox, so about 4 weeks. Surprisingly enough I have no symptoms. I still have a few warts but the compound W is slowly but surely taking care of them. I don't have any tingling or itching down there today. I do have a cold. I had a really stressful week at work last week and now I've got it bad. It concerns me a little because I got colds frequently because my immune system was lowered before I did the detox. I ran out a vitamins and can't get more till the beginning of the month. I'm hoping this doesn't mess things up..I have my pap today. Not seeing my OB/GYN cuz she is on vacaton and I'm about a month overdue for my pap so I want to get that done so my OB/GYN can see the results. I'll probably go in on the 5th to have her check things out....if I continue to use the compound W, the warts may all be gone by then. So that's encouraging. My biggest fear right now is that I've been having some pain in my left breast. I have one particular spot that I know it's coming from. I don't know if it's really a lump there cuz I've always had lumpier breast tissue but I don't have it on the other side, even though I get pain there less frequently. I few years ago I had some major pain the same breast and it was just irritated lymph glands. Breast cancer runs in my family, but I'm not supposed to start getting mamograms for another 3 years. So just pray it's nothing serious. It didnt' really start bothering me until I started the detox, now it's been off and on for a while. It's been most consistent in the last few days but I think it might be because I should start my period next week. Not sure, will all the stress and everything and lowered immune system. I'm fearful I have cancer too. A friend of mine just recently had a double mastectomy. If I found out I had cancer, I would not resort to a mastectomy. I'm only 24, I want to have a family someday.....so keep me in your prayers that everything goes well at the Dr. today....otherwise things are going well. Moving this weekend and apart from the cold, I'm moving forward.

23 Days Post Resolve

Well, I've been super depressed as you all know, feeling worthless and unlovable...I'm still having itching and tingling down there. I still have the warts and I know those cause itching, but this detox is supposed to get rid of that too...the compound W is working slowly but surely, but I'm going in for my follow up pap smear today and I'll have her remove the rest of them then....Trying not to get more is the hard part. I don't know how to keep my immune system up. I take vitamins everyday...I desperately need to get more sleep though. .I'm exhausted and with what happened with that jack ass last night I'm beat.....what sucks even more was that he really wasn't a jerk about it at all...he basically very politely told me that I lied about the way I looked, which I guess I just know how to take good pictures of myself cuz I don't look fat in them, but I guess I am...regardless of how me said it, it still hurt just the same. It wouldn't have been so bad but my weight has been the biggest issue with me lately and I really didn't need some guy, who I thought liked me for me, to point it out and make me feel even worse. Especially cuz I know he likes sex and that's something I couldn't give him if I wanted to right now...I really need some support from a guy, not necessarily a boyfriend, just a guy who can hold me and be honest and help me understand how guys will handle this. I'm still praying resolve works...I just want the warts to be gone, I can at least still have a normal sex life as long as I don't have something contagious down there constantly...but I have been working out regularly and now that I've been so stressed I've been working out harder...I have a new, no carbs diet plan as well as a weekly workout routine. I'm going to kick butt and when I'm done I'm going to be sexy as hell and all them dumb asses will eat their words cuz they're not getting any from me......I'm thankful I've been cursed with these viruses cuz they taught me a valuable lesson. A good friend of mine made a valid statement, she said being fat has helped me wein out the jerks, which is true. I'm not going to be the same size forever, especially when I have kids and I need some one to encourage me to be healthy but love me whether I'm 140lb or 180lbs......I'm working on it, slowly but surely. I'm going to go for a walk, work up a sweat before my dr.'s appointment. wish me luck

Horrible Night

So remember the date i mentione I was supposed to have. Well my worst fears came true....not only did I have this feeling all day like he was going to cancel but I feared he would not find me attractive.....Bingo!.....so I get this text from him saying he got promoted they are all going out to celebrate and he had to cancel our date.....then later he called and asked me to come over...so I drop all over the freakin country side because his directions were the long way around and when I got there he was totally cold to me. We watched a very sexually suggestive movie and he kept making comments about how the girls in the movie were hot and never even looked at me....I told him to just give it to me straight....he said I didn't look like my pictures, that I needed to update then....that the ones I sent him weren't even close to what I really looked like. Do you know how bad that hurts, to worry all week that you're not good enough to have that be validated.....the part that hurt me initially was that I really liked him and thought he could be husband material but he is going on a 5 month tour to alaska for the coast guard and when he's done he is moving to florida so I wouldn't be able to pursue a relationship even if I wanted to......I guess God really has His ways of closing the doors...and I certainly wouldn't tell this guy about my viruses and such.....I just feel like the worst shit there ever was....I've started thinking about suicide again....no one needs me here and obviously I'm some how unlovable to guys.....I don't want to die, I want to be happy but I can't live being this miserable...I want to stop eating also, maybe then I'll be skinny enough for some one to find me attractive...I sure do hate my life right now....

21 Days Post Resolve

I'm feeling really discouraged, although my warts seem to be getting a little better with the compound W I saw a few bumps that looked a little red, now I don't know if they are red because of the compound W or if it's an outbreak, I can't feel them, they don't hurt or anything. Maybe this is the last of the herpes after the detox, my clearing symptoms...I'm only about 3 weeks post resolve and still have many many to go so I guess things could really change in the next 2 months....It's just really tingly down there lately and still itchy...I don't know if this is bad or good but it doesn't make me feel postive about being cleared of this virus....I have a dr. appt thursday and I just really hope it goes well... I want these warts to be gone, I'm tired of knowing they are down there....also I have a date tomorrow with a guy I really like, he could be potential husband material. He is really fit and into fitness and he said the best work out for girls to do are squats, lunges, and military press for your arms....all things I hate to do which I probably why I need to lose weight there...I'm really afraid he is not going to be attracted to me and think I'm too fat.... I really want to find the one and I'm tired of this stupid virus being the one thing that's getting in my way from having a relationship. Mainly because it's totally screwing with my head...i'm really starting to feel depressed again, I really want to lose weight and over the last week I've yo yoed these 2 pounds I'm trying to lose....eating cottage cheese and berries for breakfast, salad with raspberry lime organic vinegarette and whatever for dinner, I just want it to be enough, i'm not comfortable in my own skin and I want some one to find me attractive again...This is a terrible week for me

Guys are rude

So I was just checking my e-mails and stuff. I met this guy online awhile back and we started talking and I felt like I could be really open with him....I told him everything about me, even the deepest darkest parts of me. On two occasions I told him something personal, the first time he fell asleep on the phone and the second time we got disconnected. Both times I spilled my guts to him and he didn't hear it. Accident or not it really frustrated me because it took a lot for me to tell him the things I did. When he knew the truth, even about the STD's he was very understanding and still wanted to date me. i don't know if I was really interested in him or not but it was nice to talk to some one....well I got frustrated when he didn't hear what I said and I said a lot and really didn't want to repeat myself...anyway, he had a falling out over that whole situation but later we kind of reconnected and decided to start over....so he sends me this message asking when we were getting together and I told him I was really busy for the next few weeks. Which I am, I worked in a fireworks booth everyday after work for like 5 days and I'm moving in 2 weeks and haven't packed a thing....I'm just stressed. So he said that I was full off bullshit and excuses. I was like um, no, we never even got to the point in the relationship where we were planning to meet up and I really have been busy. So I told him the truth about what I've been up to and the fact that I've been talking to some one who is potential husband material...so out of respect for him I don't really want to see other guys....so after all that I was like, what do you think? He said I was a Fucking God Psycho with STDs.....is that not a low blow or what? I mean, this guy is an ex marine who is seriously screwed up in the head from being in iraq, who is going to therapy over it...I would NEVER poke at the fact that he had a hard time over there, and he said he cared about me and respected me for telling him the truth and then he throws it in my face?! I don't understand guys, they are fine one second and flip out the next. He said he had been going to church and wanted some one to go with....so I've held him accountable to his faith and he tells me I'm a God Psycho? what is wrong with this picture? I think the part that discourages me the most is that I really want this new guy to be the one....although I think the Compound W is working and I'm getting better there is still this fear of having to confront this issue with this new guy. Last night we talked on the phone and I told him I've been working out, trying to lose weight. He asked me how much I weigh....I really didn't want to answer because I don't want him to view me as being some one who weighs 167lbs. The hard part about meeting guys online is that they can come up with this totally wrong image of you and then they are disappointed when they really see you....I want to be 140lbs but it's going to take a little time. Hopefully by the end of summer I will have lost at least 15lbs....with the holiday I've back tracked a little, but I'm going to start working out again today.....I just really want hope that this detox really worked...I don't want to worry about the HSV....the cervical cancer HPV can be removed if it's really bad and apparently the warts will go away in time and I won't even have to worry about it anymore.....I don't want to be honest with people about what I've got going on for them to just throw it in my face when they get angry...what happened to the good and decent people in this world? =(

19 Days Post Resolve

Well I thought I should right something since it's been about a week....so the itching has gone down a lot. I've been using Compound W wart removing gel on my warts, I think they are actually starting to get better. I still have my dr.'s appt. on thursday or my pap. otherwise things have been good, energy is good....working on eating healthier and working out....moving in two weeks and haven't packed a thing so I'm trying to get it altogether....I met a guy that so far I really like, he's potential husband material even. He doesn't know about the warts or HSV...I did tell him about the HPV (cervical cancer strand) which is none threatening to him....but he asked me what my take on sex was....and I like it but it's been about 8 months since I've had any and certainly am not ready to jump into bed with anyone....It's encouraging that the warts are getting a little better..once those are gone I will be much more hopeful....I really think that the virus being pushed out was causing more warts and more itching cuz they itch before they appear on the skin....no outbreaks that I've noticed, even with the compound W, I would think that would irritate the skin to the point of outbreak like I think the aldara did...so that's a good sign....It's only been 19 days since I ended the detox and it seems like so much longer.... I can't believe I have like 71 more days to go in this wait.....I hope that this new guy turns out to be the one....if I can get rid of these warts I'll be home free.....I hope he will understand I'm not looking to jump in the sack right away....I hate it when you first find some one you like and start obsessing over it.....I just have a good feeling about this guy....so keep your fingers crossed, for a cure and for a husband...cuz I'm so ready for the next step and I would love to find the one to have amazing sex with...sorry if that's an overshare but you know we all feel that way.....ok, well that's enough for one night. hope everyone is doing well...I'm pretty good....so yay