Horrible Night

So remember the date i mentione I was supposed to have. Well my worst fears came true....not only did I have this feeling all day like he was going to cancel but I feared he would not find me attractive.....Bingo!.....so I get this text from him saying he got promoted they are all going out to celebrate and he had to cancel our date.....then later he called and asked me to come over...so I drop all over the freakin country side because his directions were the long way around and when I got there he was totally cold to me. We watched a very sexually suggestive movie and he kept making comments about how the girls in the movie were hot and never even looked at me....I told him to just give it to me straight....he said I didn't look like my pictures, that I needed to update then....that the ones I sent him weren't even close to what I really looked like. Do you know how bad that hurts, to worry all week that you're not good enough to have that be validated.....the part that hurt me initially was that I really liked him and thought he could be husband material but he is going on a 5 month tour to alaska for the coast guard and when he's done he is moving to florida so I wouldn't be able to pursue a relationship even if I wanted to......I guess God really has His ways of closing the doors...and I certainly wouldn't tell this guy about my viruses and such.....I just feel like the worst shit there ever was....I've started thinking about suicide again....no one needs me here and obviously I'm some how unlovable to guys.....I don't want to die, I want to be happy but I can't live being this miserable...I want to stop eating also, maybe then I'll be skinny enough for some one to find me attractive...I sure do hate my life right now....