Heartbroken and Alone

So for whatever reason I've been missing me EX BAD! I don't know why, it's been almost 2 years since we broke up, but I never stopped loving him. I do want the best for him but part of me wants the best for him with Me. The only thing is I don't know if he will ever know how to be what I need, which in the end will just make me unhappy. In the mean time I keep having all these dreams about him, and my heart just aches to hold him in my arms....He doesn't know about all this stuff I've been going through, I haven't even seen or talked to him in months. So Idon't know why all of a sudden now I just wished I had his loving support. I have no one. I'm all alone, and although I have friends to support me, it just doesn't seem like enough. Ugh! I haven't cried or anything about this but I sure feel like I'm on the brink.....I've been doing better health wise, today is day 2 of being back up to 10ml. Tomorrow I'm going to move to 13. Technically it's day 24 and if I was on track then tomorrow would have been my last day of step 1....but noooo I had to get that stupid fever and ruin everything....I just need to feel loved right now....if I knew some one loved me for me I think I would be so much better. I sent in a video for that dating show and I think it made me realize that I'm not where I want to be weight wise....I mean that camera adds ten pounds but I don't need ten more, I need 25 less....and I won't be able to pursue that for awhile....These questions I had to answer for the audition were like "has your weight ever affected a relationship?" "do you feel your weight has kept you from having relationship opportunities?" I never thought it did, but maybe it might. Maybe these guys who like me for 2 weeks then move on are thinking I'm not the arm candy they are looking for. It's all about being comfortable in your own skin and I just don't feel like I'm there.....I have had SOOO many stresses in the last six months...things have been pretty good, I'm just over all this. I want to live a normal life again....=(